FROM THE BEST OF JOHN JACOB H…… Somehow the Televisor and Movie Industry have rediscovered Sleeping Beauty recently, so the time seemed propitious to sticky post this tale from the archives at the top of the blog for new readers unfamiliar with the true meaning of this fairy tale…..
No matter how many deer you
gut *field dress* or how many coyotes you ambush or how many treestands you climb, sooner or later into every guy’s life a ballet performance must fall.
My exécution de ballet occurred about a decade ago, the turkey season was over and the food plots were all planted. So the question came from she who must be idolized, “will it kill you to go with me just this once?” I had to admit Seppuku was not an option in this instance, though I may have briefly considered such rather than face the peak guillotine experience of ogling men in tights and tuttis.
To my shock it was an amazing experience on more levels than it is possible to count then, now or ever.
I cannot recall a another time I was in a 1000 seat auditorium filled to capacity with women of all ages and in all stages of life.
There were older Grande Dame type women who dressed in some kind of expensive evening gown mu’umu’u and preposterously ornate costume jewelry.
There were formaldehyde preserved senior Jane Fonda type women in dressed in equally expensive brand name pantsuits.
There were younger Katie Couric type women wearing formal business class skirts and jackets.
There were Maria Shriver type women with tastefully casual formal evening gowns appropriate to the occasion.
And of course, hundreds of teenagers and children-little girls- who, in some cases, could not have been more than four or five years old wearing what we used to call Easter Sunday Dresses with little black shoes that could fit into the palm of your hand.
All of them were buzzing with excitement in anticipation of the performance. A kind of high keening hum like a flock of geese just over the horizon headed your way.
I do not remember a single teenage girl with a pierced nose or eyebrow or carrot colored spiked hair. This was a serious crowd. Of course there were guys-a few. Mostly Dad or Uncle Joe rolling their eyes at the ceiling and frequently clearing their throats, almost all of us were over thirty including some really elderly gentlemen who wore diamond pinky rings and other affectations.
There may also have been some conservative Republican women in attendance. They kept to themselves off in obscure corners.
Of course, none of the guys had the courage to wear their cameo pattern tuxedo with a tastefully matching Rush Limbaugh tie. (Yes, there are cameo tuxedos–CLICK LINK)!!
But I digress.
Here is real point of this campfire tale: NO ONE in that auditorium had apparently ever reflected on the real meaning of the Sleeping Beauty story.
As a guy I recognized the true meaning immediately and cheerfully explained on the way home. See, before the attack of 9/11 on the United States, before the Transportation Security Agency, before Grandma was routinely stripped searched at airports everywhere, We, the People, confront the story of a terrorist threat made against a Kingdom ruled by the good King Florestan.
His daughter, the Princess Aurora, could be seriously injured, maimed or even killed by contact with a spinning wheel spindle as a result of an evil spell cast by the evil cross dressing terrorist witch- Carabosse.
King Florestan reacted as governments everywhere often do- he banned the possession, manufacture or transport of spinning wheel spindles. The peasants need of cloth for clothing, blankets, carpets or tapestries be damned, the children MUST be protected. It was a necessary sacrifice to be endured by all.
Oddly, strangely, even mysteriously, the one person with criminal intent- the evil cross-dressing terrorist witch Carabosse- managed to produce one of these deadly dangerous spindles just in time for Princess Aurora’s sixteenth birthday.
The ballet was not clear on this point, but when I looked through my opera glasses, (little teensy,tiny binoculars that allow the audience to see every mole on the performers body) I believe I was able to discern the spindle in question was even one of the heavy duty military models with a high capacity thread feeder, very strange considering all spindles had been banned everywhere in the kingdom.
What followed was inevitable: Princess Aurora, having never been trained to a standard of personal responsibility in the safe operation and handling of spinning wheel spindles did the unthinkable and pricked her finger when she handled the taboo spinning wheel spindle.
Only divine intervention in the person of the Lilac Fairy prevented ultimate tragedy. She derailed the untimely death of the innocent young Princess with the aid of a Kingdom-wide Magically Induced Coma, a procedure commonly used by Board Certified Fairies whenever client survival requires extreme measures.
After the kingdom had been in a moribund, somnolent state for a century the Lilac Fairy managed to locate Prince Florimund hunting in the woods. She prevailed upon him to use his hunter’s virtues of pluck, perseverance and patience to cut through the thick liberal undergrowth choking the castle, rescue the Princess and save the Kingdom.
The ballet ends on a traditional family values theme with a wedding and plans for a family with children. Go figure.
The good news? We, the People of the Constitution can win the culture wars. Culture is on our side even though it appears to have been completely co-opted by the dark Bolshevik faction of Society.
The better news? Ever since I explained the real meaning of Sleeping Beauty I have not been required to go to any more ballets. I might stumble across another epiphany.
A happy ending for all.